24th Adult...1st Moonfaced Retard

Well, I've had about enough duathlonin' to do me for...oh...ever. The Doubleshot Duathlon was a really cool event. I'm not a runner by any means but thought that I might be able to make up for it slightly on the bike. Not so much. The first two mile run wasn't bad. I sort of let everyone go at the first because I didn't want to get in the way of the "serious" folk. That was a good plan because those cats were movin' on. The course immediately went up Lipbuster. Not fun but a nice way to thin the pack. I gladly let the ambitious little fellas go ahead. After that I think I passed most of 'em back as soon as we got to the rockier parts of the trail. Maybe it was because their walkers and oxygen bottles got hung up on the trees but I'm takin' what I can get damn it. For a non-runner my first run was going surprisingly ok but I was having a severe case of bitch bladder. Finally I could stand it no more so I stop to pee....nothin'. Total stage fright. I've got the same issue in public restrooms. You're standing at the urinal when some dude walks up and wants to chat. I don't like to talk with another dude while we've both got our cranks in our hand. There's just something wrong with that and, the more a motherfucker talks the harder it is for me to start a stream. Anyway, I've got the same thing going on here in the middle of this damn run. I finally take care of bidness and and am my way. Get back to the transition, take my sweet ass time changing shoes, and then take off on the bike. Looking forward to gettin' a spin goin to blow all that "running" bullshit outa the legs. Guess what? We're going back up Lipbuster...back to the anklebone express. Just like before but now I'm carrying a bike. Glad I chose the singlespeed. It's light. By the time I finally get to pedaling my calves want to go home, and they do. I can't even come close to any kind of "flow" ever on the bike. (btw: I realized last night that my front fork was locked out the whole time...reason 209 why I'll never be a "test" rider) As I'm struggling along Lo Chi I pass a dude with no Camelback who is in bad need of a drink so I stop and let him take a pull off mine. Thought he was gonna drain it. I take back off, ride like shit some more, and then take more of my sweet ass time changing shoes in the transition. By the time I get going on the 2nd run the dude that I gave a drink to catches me. Right before Lipbuster (yes the 3rd goddamn time up this bitch) I ditch the pathetic little jog and start walking. As the dude passes me he says "shoulda trained." Are you fucking kidding me? You're draggin' up the rear of this idiot parade just like me. Douchebag. I drug ass through the whole second run. I was ahead of my buddy Rion and figured I'd just be a punk and walk until I saw him catching, then run. Well, that didn't happen. Rion caught me and I just clapped as he jogged by like he could still go a few more miles. Way to go dude.

So that's it. I finished 24th out of 42 folks (half of which were wearing their underwear) with a time of 1:43. My buddy Rion beat me by over a minute. Our friend Ben, who is the real deal in this whole punishment game, finished about 1 minute behind me due to spending over 15 minutes on the side of the trail with a pinch flat and trouble with his mini-pump. We're not worthy Ben. All in all I'm glad I did it. It was a fun experience and the only regret I have is not getting in a fight with the shoulda-trained-douchebag. And to whoever that was, if you trained only to bring up the back of the pack with me....who sucks worse? Thanks to Ben and Rion for showing me how to get it done. Thanks to Kevin for showing up, taking this lovely picture of me (and to his lovely wife for her comments), and introducing me to some cool new friends. If there is another event like this I'll be there. .....drinking and cheering my friends on.

Training is for pros,

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