i'm sofa king

This might be an epic post:

Good times good times....and a few rough times:

Talk about the yoyo of life; the last six days have either been really cool for me or really crappy for the wife or a kid.

Here’s a recap of the days:

Day 1: Tuesday little Isa’s sick with an upset tummy and diarrhea but I still got to ride with my brother-in-law from Cali, Richard. Rich is now a dedicated roadie with the legs and lungs to prove it but rode dirt in the past. It’s been six years since he’s mountain biked and most of the time you couldn’t tell.

I borrowed my first “real” mountain bike back from a friend. In March of 2004 I sold this bike with a new drivetrain, rebuilt fork, and brand new tires to a co-worker who eventually sold it to another guy I used to work with. It was obvious that this bike hasn’t been ridden at all since I sold it; hell the tires still had titties on ‘em. Anyway, we took Rich on the climb to dildo, did a few passes on the snake run, went to the little freeride area, north end of Hi-Chi, and finally the loop south of the lower parking lot.

Anybody that mountain bikes this time of year is in for a treat with the fall foliage erupting in a rainbow of colors, but I got to see something really cool when it comes to leaves. You see on the second run thru the snake run we rode in the following order: Whistler, Showtime, Rich, and then me. While riding the fast fireroad run into the trail I noticed Rich was doing some high speed drifting which is cool to see but scary as hell to do and I was impressed as shit watching Rich manhandle that hardtail like it was his little beeyotch. Once into the snake run I noticed he was once again drifting and overshooting berms here and there; then to my surprise a plume of leaves shot into the air as if someone had turned on a 200 hp leaf blower for a split second; the results:

Not too bad for a cat riding along in excess of 20 mph. I’m telling you that leaf show was a thing of beauty. Leaves literally flew 20 feet into the air, it was quite the spectacle.

But Hi-Chi was the funnest of all. Those fucking trees didn’t stand a chance with Rich in town. Rich rode this trail like Stevie Wonder...by touch. He shouldered every tree on that stretch of trail and that’s NOT a trail you want to be the slightest bit out of control on. He’d ping one good then be off the trail then get back to the trail then pong another. Most people would’ve quit and walked a bit but Rich was a big-time-gamer.

The final analysis was best said by Buddy:
“It’s a shame that dude is putting in countless miles requiring all power and no technical ability because technical ability he got in spades! Watching him teach that hardtail a lesson was great. It made me feel dirty for riding behind him on my bike.” (He rides a dual suspension Rocky Mtn.)

“Bicycles is hip. Bicycles + buddies is outa sight!”

So the big question was...did he like it? Oh yes indeed, he liked it so much that he asked later that night if we could squeeze in another ride on Wednesday!

Day 2: Little Isa’s still recuperating so we didn’t go to the farm as planned...soooo it’s off to Turkey again with Rich.

Today we rode Mi-Chi to the spider, ridge trail thru the rock garden, over to boner northbound, north end of millennium, back to spider, north end of boner, south end of millennium, and then lip buster. That’s a whole lot of technical shit for a guy that hasn’t ridden a mtn. bike in six years; and not one complaint...no bitching...no whining...just shits and giggles! Now if I could just come up with a nickname...

Day 3: Turkey day gone awry! Poor Emma got her version of the stomach virus and instead of runny poop had it coming out the other end. After a 2.5 hour drive to NW Arkansas we could only spend a couple of hours there until we returned to T-Town. I did get to help fry two turkeys though and man is that shit good.

Day 4: Emma’s recuperating and Isa’s bug is back! Aack; run away, run away! I’m one of those people you’ve probably heard of or know that are completely insane when it comes to washing their hands. On a normal day I’ll wash my hands 15-20 times, and when there’s an illness going around the house it’s more like 40 times per day. Mine are so dry now that they are actually cracking and bleeding.

I actually did do a little work on this day by playing golf with an old friend and customer of mine that’d moved away but is now in the process of moving back. I played like shit but held the loss to $1 to Smunky. (Should’ve been way more.) Welcome back Bob.

BTW, what the hell is a “Smunky”? Funny story hopefully made short: Real name’s Scott and I used to jokingly call him “Scottina”, then Tone-Loc comes out with the hit Funky Cold Medina which of course becomes Funky Cold Scottina. Then in a drunken stupor my brother throws down an effort to say Funky Cold Scottina but it comes out Smunky Cold Fartina; from then on he was Smunky. (Better than Fartina I guess.) How stuck is that nickname? It’s emblazoned on his arm now!

Day 5: BMX’ican day! Went to the ABA Grands today and had a hoot; you can read about it here:
http://www.ababmx.com/index.php?page=default/newsview&newsid=169. One of the more amazing things here is watching the little five year olds riding around clipped in! Sheesh, I’ve been riding them for three years and they still scare the shit out of me. There’s way too much action to talk about here and I highly recommend everyone attend next year; the price is right...free! Buddies boy Jake rode in the six and under class and took 4th in the only heat I got to watch him in. It was awesome watching him ride around that track grinning from ear to ear. When asked later he simply said the track was “fun”. That’s how grom’s should race; for fun.

Day 6: Not much action; other than having your wife wake up sick and spend the morning tossing her cookies. Hopefully her full day of bed rest will help her recover quickly.

Here’s a funny story for the cyclists taken from some post on some website somewhere:

How to Call the Police

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing his bikes.

He phoned the police, who asked "Does someone live in your shed?” and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now, cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them?" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available?" (True Story) I LOVE IT

And here’s a story from Carla’s sister:

Seems a co-worker of hers had just gotten a new puppy during the week. When the weekend rolled around her husband was in the garage working on his car with the puppy by his side. After awhile he noticed that the gasoline he’d poured into a bowl to use as a cleaning agent was empty. He searched for the little pup but couldn’t find it. He went into the yard to find the little feller running around with a ton of energy. After a few minutes of this the dog began to slow and finally fell over....

No he didn’t die.....he just ran out of gas!

If you fell for that, like everyone did when told the story repeat after me:
We Todd Did
We Todd Did
We Todd Did
I’m Sofa King
We Todd Did

Next to last thing; who says Oklahoma is behind times? Why just this weekend I heard a song on the radio by The Specials that was released in about 1981! That’s only 24 years behind times! I’ve long been a believer in all things Ska and would normally see this as a positive; however 20+ years is a little much. In the future I do recommend all stations named “The Edge” or anything hip like that call me so I can tell them what cool music is.

And no I didn't forget, there's one last thing for Rich; I now bequeath you the nickname “Wiz”, no not Michael Jackson’s version, more along the lines of the Who’s Pinball Wizard for your exemplary work on Hi-Chi!

Whew, that was an epic post for my we todd did ass!!! If any of you out there know Wiz feel free to chime in with a comment or two and roast his ass.


singlespeed culture? wtf is that?

Click the title to read what this's about:

Whether these homo's are correct or not is not for me to judge; BUT the fact that it's even debated pisses me off.

According to Encarta; culture is defined as:

Shared beliefs and values of a group: the beliefs, customs, practices, and social behavior of a particular nation or people

People with shared beliefs and practices: a group of people whose shared beliefs and practices identify the particular place, class, or time to which they belong

Shared attitudes: a particular set of attitudes that characterizes a group of people

First of all based on what the original posters thoughts are shouldn’t single-speeding be seen as a counter-culture? As mountain bike technology gets more sophisticated riding a rigid SS’er is the opposite. Call it old school or what you like; but just make damn sure you put a label on it ‘cause it’s got to be packaged before it can sell. I think that some people that are supposedly hardcore SS’ers view themselves as purists with a punk attitude. Problem is very few are. If you look at an earlier counter-culture called the punk rock scene and see what it originated from you’ll see that it had to do with not fitting in. If you look at the punk rock scene now you’ll see a big umbrella that covers artists who sell millions of albums. Is that what Sid Vicious saw in the future? No? He saw a future where kids could do whatever in the fuck they wanted. Would he have started a thread on wwwpunkrockreview.com bitching about where the status of the punk culture was and where it was headed? No. Hell he would’ve shunned computers totally. So if you’re upset with the SS culture what do you do? Ride a tricycle? A motorcycle? What’s next? My point is this: WHO GIVES A FUCK!!! SHUT UP AND RIDE YOUR BIKE!!! And lastly; why do you give a fuck? Are you cooler ‘cause you “care”? Fuck you; go ride your holier than thou iconoclastic cool ass bike. Just remember; whining is never cool.

So why am I building a SS? Because I think they’re cool, I like the simplicity of it, I like the looks of it, and by god I think they’re cool. (Redundant to make a point.) I don’t want one ‘cause technology is ruining mountain biking. Hell technology is making mountain biking ten times better. I love my Heckler; true I wish shit didn’t break on it all the time; but is that Santa Cruz’s fault, or Shimano’s, or Cane Creeks? Nope it’s mine. I did it. I rode it. I crashed it. And I loved every fucking minute of it. (Except the hikes back to the car, nope; didn’t care for that at all.) I’m building my SS for me. It’ll be mine. What will it look like? Don’t know. How will it ride? Don’t know. But it’ll be cool because...it’ll be MINE!!!

Here’s my big problem with this doofus:

I've concluded that the "moment" is over. It is sad, but it happens to many phenomenon’s (Burning Man, SoCal punk, Phish, etc.). I will ride my singlespeed forever, but I don't feel part of a cultural movement anymore. Pockets of resistance will live on, but the community is infiltrated.

Goddammit shut the fuck up and hit the pedals. The “moment” is over? C’mon man this isn’t a proposal you’re doing here waiting for the right “moment”, it’s you on your bike. Why in the fuck would you be thinking of anything while riding? Get over yourself. Why do you need to feel like your part of a “cultural movement”?

I wish this last piece was from me; it’s exactly the point I wanted to make.

SS Culture? 29er revolution? Give me a break. We are talking about freaking bikes here. I rode rigid SS bikes 35 years ago. Go to India or China and see how "unique" SS bike are. Sorry to disappoint you but the "moment" is not over because there was never a moment. It is posts like this that confirm that many who ride SS or 29ers, want desperately to be in a select group or part of a sub-culture. A little sad, I think.

Want a cool culture? Make one yourself; SS’ers have been around... well since bikes.

Again; shut the fuck up.


Snap! I've Been Served...One big steamy pile of Hi-Chi Shit

This is the end result; how in the world do you scratch the faceplate of a stem while trail riding you ask? Read on...

Be forewarned; this post contains graphic depictions of actual trail carnage:

After a nice day of riding Boner and doing a little exploring with Whistler we decided to end the day with a little jaunt south on Hi-Chi. All was going well with the usual dabs here and there with one small un-clip tump over until we met the family that was having a trailside picnic. There was a man in traditional western wear with his four boys taking it easy on a big rock enjoying lunch in the warm November sun. As we approach Dave asks if they've brought enough for everybody; a small chuckle was had by all and I started concocting a little joke of my own to add in the fun when the following happened:

This is where it gets graphic. Thanks to the power of the home PC we're now able to render computer generated graphics to relive events; it's almost spooky how good these graphics are. This is the beginning:

And now for the horror; if you've got kids have them look away: Nasty eh? Way technical right? Let me tell you that little slow speed lawn dart action hurt like a mother. The following injuries occurred:

· Two bruised thighs
· One badly jacked knee with two nice popknots
· Bruised chest
· Bruised forearm
· Sore shoulder
· Sore neck

Because everything happened in slo-mo I had time to check and see if I'd grabbed a handful o' brake; nope. Did I unclip? Nope. Is that rock moving toward my grill? Yep. One slight head adjustment to the left, right shoulder to rock, then craaaaccckkk goes the spine. Oh shit I think while laying there; did I just break my spine? No, the toes and fingers are twinkling fine. I may not know what it feels like to break your back but I damn sure now know what it sounds like. Sadly, if those four boys were hoping for mountain bikes for X-Mas I'm sure cowdaddy was X'ing those gifts off the list. (Sorry kids.)

Need I say it...UNCLE! You fucking rock strewn fucker. Even when I'm just mosey'ing you decide to fuck me? Well fuck you too bitch! Next time we meet I'm bring a sledgehammer and a Camelbak full of Snickers 'cause we're gonna be there all mother fucking day! You'll be like those Colorado buff trails everyone's alway ranting about.