snot bubbles and 'tard drool

Deep down I don't consider myself to be a competitive person, but on occasion an opportunity arises that's just too hard to pass up. Take Saturday for instance. When rolling out at the start of the MS150 60 mile training ride everybody was grouped together, probably 100 riders strong, rolling at a casual 15-16 mph on flat terrain. After about mile three a group of maybe 20 riders rolls thru and the opportunity for a long paceline draft is too enticing to ignore so I tell the guy next to me that we need to be in that group. Click-click boom I'm on the tail end now and we're rolling at about 25mph; about 6 mph above my comfort level, but hey I've got a hell of a wind break so I'm feeling OK. At mile 5 or so we hit the first little climb and the line blows up like the leader dropped a turd grenade. After all the shenanigans and jockeying I'm now left with three chicks riding clunkers and me on my fancy carbon Bianchi. Surely I can hang is the motto I use to stay motivated; at mile 10 on the second of two killer rolling hills I ask the lead chick if she's trying to drop me; her reply: "We try to drop everybody". GULP; OK I'm in I tell her, go ahead and drop me. For the next ten miles we're riding a pace unlike any I've ever been a part of, my hearts pounding, my legs are screaming, my stomachs churning, sweat is pouring out of every pore of my body, I need to pee, I need to shit, I need to puke, I'm fucking hurting, but I stay quiet and let the power of the Ramones on the ipod keep me pumping. Finally the oasis of the 20 mile rest stop appeared and thankfully the 3 cycling dominatrix’s pull in; I definitely follow and damn near fall over once I stop 'cause my legs aren't working like they normally do. After fetching a cup of watered down Gatorade I catch my reflection in the storefront glass and notice I’ve got snot bubbles accumulated outside of my left nostril and drool hanging off my chin. I look like a ‘tard preparing to destroy my first funnel cake. Anyway, the lead chick comes over and tells me good job hangin' with 'em, I say thanks and ask what pace we rode at and she tells me the average was 23.1 mph. (I’ve abandoned using a cycling computer for now.) WOW, that is the fastest pace I've ever carried over that span and I'm feeling it. After a total of about two minutes at the rest stop they ask if I'm ready to roll? Fuck no I think but instead I politely decline telling them I need to wait on my buddy. Thank god there was somebody I needed to wait for otherwise I think I would have had a complete and udder meltdown on some back road in the next 40 miles.

Now before I start this next bit let me make this statement: I've always been a firm believer in the adage of "It's my soap and my dick and I'll wash it as fast as I want". Especially when it comes to singlespeeds; soooo....

Post 1 on what's wrong with the cycling community: (Click title to go to his site.)
Single Speeds ...Cool right? Well mostly. I have had a fixed gear since ’94 and it is a great bike that I ride all the time. So what is the problem you ask? Here we go. Don’t race a damn single speed! You are not cool, you don’t have “soul”, you are a tool. Why would you want to be under geared on the flats and downhill and over geared on almost every climb?

Just get some freaking gears! Want to impress anyone? Win a race with gears like the real fast people. Yeah I know Travis Brown wins ‘cross races on a single speed. Guess what? You are not Travis Brown. Travis gets the exemption not you. Also if you live where there are mountains don’t even ride a single speed off road. Next time I see one of you goons pushing your bike up a hill you are getting the double barrel snot rocket as I RIDE by your walking ass on my cross bike.

Blah, blah, fucking blah. Who does he think he is? The "Sultan of Cycling?" Nope, he's today's DICK NO. 1

These are cool:

Post 2 on what's wrong with the cycling community:
I don't care who's soap it is and who's dick it is, I bet these guys are dick lickers. Who the fuck do they think they are? Here's who they are; today's DICKS #2 & 3.

BTW, from now on I'm a Moots guy.

Congratulations boys!


buddy said...

if she can do that with the bike attached to the seatpost i'll grease her bottom bracket.

kevin said...

and I'll grease the headset ;)