the doc gave me the green light

Why do I post the shit I do?

I've long kicked around the idea that cyclists are both sadists and masochists. They inflict the pain on themselves and then enjoy the pain thus making them submissive to their own dominating personalities. Fucked up thinking? Probably. Am I right? Probably.

Anyway, I decided to roll out the road bike that's been collecting dust in the garage for about 5 months and give 'er a go this weekend. And while I know that a 45 mile ride is a pansy ass ride for a lot of people, those people haven't been off the bike for 4 weeks for medical reasons, and they haven't quit dippin' this year and packed on the el bee's either. Anyway, somehow 45 miles sounded...um...fun? Weird eh?

So here's the low-down; I was set to hook up with a guy Saturday and take the bikes to Skiatook, drop the car off at a restaurant, ride back to Tulsa to meet a group of people, then turn around and ride back to Skiatook to eat breakfast, and then of course turn around and ride back to Tulsa while his kid took the vehicle back to Tulsa and take up the roll of SAG should anyone need help. (It was a very mixed group of riders.)

· Problemo uno: We start late and the wind at 7:15 a.m. is already a steady 15 mph out of the south and we're of course heading south. So no warm-up, just get on the saddle for the first time of the season and put the hammer down. We had 45 minutes to make it 15 miles which meant we needed to average 20 mph into the wind and uh...we didn't make it. We did however make it 14 miles before we meet up with the group.
· Problemo dos: ME, I'm the fucking problem. I was already fucked up in the head from the initial southbound effort and thought I'd just cruise with the wind at my back for the ride back. But nooooo, two fuckers in the group had to break away and up the pace. Well if there's one thing my fat ass has got it's a fucked up idea that I'm racing everybody, so click-click go the shifters and bam I'm on their tail for the next 12 miles at an astonishing 21 mph. Now I never take the lead, I just sit back and wheel-suck all the way to the restaurant. Am I really fast enough to hang with these guys? Hell no, but I CAN handle the pain. (See I told you I'm an S&M guy.)
· Problemo tres: Breakfast. I thought I'd pre-planned a way to ride-n-eat a somewhat healthy meal that wouldn't cause problems on the final leg of the journey. Here's the plan: two eggs, wheat toast, maybe a taste of the hash browns, and eat only one of the three beautiful slices of bacon on the plate. Well fuck it's not humanly possible to walk away from tasty bacon so I down it all and would've licked the entire plate clean if I hadn't been in a public place.
· Problemo quattro: We have to go southbound again except now its 90 degrees outside and the wind is at an admirable 25 mph. That's the kinda wind that just pisses you off my friend. So angry I give it my all in hopes of just getting it over in an hour, which I do but it was all I could do to keep from getting another view of that knot of bacon that was at the back of my throat. So I finished, gutted, thirsty, hot, and with a stomach that was extremely volatile. I could've shit thru a screen and left no discernable fecal matter behind.

As usual I've got no idea why I'm putting a weird tale like this out on the WWW. Maybe it's just my cheap ass way of having some cathartic therapy; but I really don't understand why I do some of the things I do.

Maybe later in the week I'll post again about the Turkey Mtn. ride I did that night. Sicko.

i've just got to get this off of my chest

What the fuck happened to our society? Whatever happened to people being nice to each other? When did it become normal to be rude? FUCK!

Monday night was the wife’s graduation and she was receiving her Masters Degree. (4.0 no less.) Pretty big deal to me and it should’ve been to all those in attendance. But by the actions of the fucking herd you’d have thought we were back in ancient Rome getting ready to watch a massacre. Here are the things that pissed me off:

• People not turning their cell phones off. How fucking rude is that? Common fucking decency should tell you to turn it off so you don’t get embarrassed by the damn thing ringing during a ceremony in a full theater.
• Not answering your cell phone when it does ring. Look you fucking fatass bitch and bastard sitting behind me; I’m no fucking dolt, it’s your goddamn cell phone ringing repeatedly and yes we’re all fucking staring at you so answer it GODDAMNIT! Somehow ignoring it makes you look even more daft.
• Proud of mom/dad/sis/bro/aunt/uncle/friend/whatever graduating? Then by all means show up in ragged blue jeans.
• And by all means where your ball cap backwards.
• And yell “That’s my sister up there” when she gets her hard earned degree.
• Oh, and let’s not forget, while waiting for the ceremony save about a dozen seats for your homies in an SRO theater ‘cause surely they’ll show…right? WRONG YOU FUCKING LOSERS! If an event is important don’t you show up earlier than the actual start time? NOPE? Then by all means bitch about the auditorium being too small ‘cause we’re all hear to serve you; you fucking piece of shit.
• And last but not least if poor Jr. or Sally begins to wail while sitting on your lap by all means remain seated so we can all partake in your pain. Who in their right mind would remove a crying child from a packed theater? None of these fuckheads in attendance. God forbid that little three year old poster child for abortion misses a second of Aunt Thelma’s graduation ceremony.

I can now remember vividly why I had a Mohawk in college. Simply, I hate people. This isn't a redneck thing and it's not a poor white trash thing; it's just a people thing and you should be treated like this: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2445024781807135842&q=granny+punch

GOD I LOVE THAT VIDEO

Ever do stuff just to fuck with people?

Here ya go Buddy. It's got yer funky bars, it's got yer Black Sheep frame; it's got yer name on it. You'd be the dogs bollocks bro.

full on hardcore, XXX full penetration blog post

To my one loyal reader:
Sorry it’s taken so long to post again.

Not a lot of stuff to post about, but a few things:

Years ago a friend of mine started dating this girl; I’ll call her Miss LM; and after awhile they began to get a little more serious. As relationships often do when you’re young certain questions were asked that you didn’t want to know the answers to. He found out the reason she was so good in bed at such an early age was that she’d been boinking for five years. (She was 18 at the time.) Come to find out when she was 12 she’d had a little bike accident and the seat had popped the proverbial cherry. (See it was a bike related post.) In her feeble mind since she no longer was technically a virgin then it was OK to go ahead and screw about a dozen guys per year. Sick twisted logic, but it worked for her.

But I digress:

Had a little shop day/urban day with Buddy and his buddies a few weeks back. Fun day, cold beer, and Buddy being Buddy. Jumpin’ this; droppin’ that…all on his rigid ass rigid. I did get the first two rounds of the derby only to be shut down by Mr. Stoppy. (More on that in a minute.) Other than that all my rides have been local BA urban jaunts. Fun stuff but hopefully I'll be at Turkey tomorrow to taste that lovely jewel again.

OK; I’ve learnt my lesson. You know the old saying; “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”? Or as W would say:
"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
Well to the cats that keep saying they’re gonna meet up with me and ride then somehow always have an excuse or a lie; here’s to you pals:

Now to wrap up this post:
Fast forward some twenty-odd years from statements above and as I’ve stated being shut down by Mr. Stoppy; I’ve finally decided to learn how to do a right and proper Stoppy. (Nose wheelie to the uninitiated.) I found a nice level concrete pad while riding the ‘hood with the kids the other day that had a nice little soft slope off to the side that I thought would be a good landing if things went awry. (They always do.) Anyway after the first two attempts I realized that to get the rear of the bike up you have to commit to getting your weight forward; there is no middle ground. You either give ‘er and get it airborne or you half-ass it and get no loft. So I give ‘er and sure ‘nuff the ass end comes up nicely, I ride the front wheel for about 3 feet then do the unimaginable…I fully let off the front brake. Can you picture it? I still can. My weight shifts back at the exact same time the bike goes hurdling forward and somehow, someway that fucking seat nose nails me square on the rosebud, thus seemingly taking my anal cherry. I don’t know if you can say I was actually penetrated but I promise that saddle spread the ole’ browneye a bit. One of the kids hears me scream out and asks what’s wrong with me to which I of course can’t just say I’ve been raped by a WTB saddle; I can only reply that all is OK. Thank god I had on shorts and undies that day or I might just be following in the steps of Miss LM. I mean I had lost my cherry so why not…right?

Ewww; bad visuals there.

How about some bike porn? Here ya go; this’ll help take your mind off that rape scene:

Nice eh?

Oh, and one more thing. After 28 good years of dippin’ I’ve finally decided to quit. It has SUCKED for me and those around me. Come to find out I can be quite the dick. Only two bad vices left; beer drinkin’ and beef yankin’, and you’ll have to pry my beer from one cold dead hand and my dick from the other cold dead hand.

As promised; I'll start posting pic's of bike porn that "speak" to me. It can be old 'n purty, or shiny and new, all I know is on occasion I see a frame/bike setup that just makes me want to spend a bunch of my hard earned cash.
Is beauty in the eye of the beholder?

Those things are beautes and yes sometimes fugly is beautiful too in a "dang you got balls to ride that" kind of way.

Speaking of beauties; so is this:

Thanks for sixteen kick-ass years!

William Tango Foxtrot?

As birthday rides go I would have to give Friday's ride a 10 for fun, 10 for embarrassment, 10 for shitty things happening, a 3 for actual ride time, and a whopping 9 for ice cold brewski's. (The brewski's would've been a 10 but the USSR judge hates PBR!) This ride was literally a joke, 3 dorks trying to act cool on bikes with all knowing that only I can pull it off. You see when you hang at the back of the pack you look like you just don't have a care in the world; and brother let me tell you; I don't! Sadly David's BB shell shelled out and it looks like new frame time. (I say sadly but he seemed kinda happy.)

Now what I want to know is what happened on the climb to spider at the end of HoChi? You see I thought when you were on a SS you weren't supposed to make climbs like that. Showtime and I watched David make the climb on his 2nd attempt (after a little chiding); then numero uno dickhead tanner boy rounds the corner like a monkey on crank riding a rigid SS and proceeds to climb to the top! So here I set, birthday boy in full effect with ALL the peer pressure on me! WTF is that? It was my birthday dicks! Well let me tell you sumpun, somehow I mashed and yanked on the pedals and cleaned the bitch that I didn't expect to clean until late summer. Of course as a proud member of the SS club I immediately decided that I'd rather not talk about it at that time and let the accomplishment waft over me like a fine stripper perfume. Actually now that I think about it I couldn't fucking breathe for another 5 minutes; but either way it wafted over me like that perfume.

So there bitches; whats the next challenge?

It's been awhile since I've posted a long miscellaneous rambling post so here goes:

First off; met a new riding partner at the trailhead a few weeks back. He’s a young punk name Jarod who’s having a blast riding his bike; just like we all should. Anyway he’s new to trail riding and we hooked up his first time at Turkey a few weeks back and piddled around for awhile, me on the SS and him on his Haro dually. I gave him a semi-complete tour of the different trails to let him get his bearings and see what all is available to ride. Turkey truly has a little of everything for people to ride.

So, we hooked up again this weekend and rode for a couple of hours with a little brisker pace and had a blast again. We did the south trail to LoChi and got the flow going on the SS. Great trail for one speeders. As I’ve stated before, I’m surprised what I can clean on this bike. LoChi back south is a bear on the Heckler and surprisingly it wasn’t too bad on the Fetish. I guess weight is the biggest part here. Anyway only had to dab on one climb! We hiked up to HoChi, rode it to Boner then to Lip Buster. Hella good times on all those trails.

Then, the weirdest thing happened. While wifey and I were in OKC Monday evening to attend the Coldplay concert we stopped at Toby Keith’s bar to have a beer and snack before the show, and sitting right in front of us was Jarod. Small weird world I tell ya. Cool place btw:

OT: Concert Review

Opening act: Fiona Apple
She sucked and dances like there’s a bee in her dress and she’s swatting it away. I will give her thumbs up for the passion she has for her music; it just didn’t speak to me. (Probably ‘cause I’m not female, 17, and a lesbian.)

Headliner: Coldplay
Hella good show. This was the only concert at a large venue that I can ever remember that the act got the crowd into the show without the use of gimmicks or special effects. These guys were digging the fact that the fans were digging their music. They even made an obscure reference to the Flaming Lips. I’m sure most have no clue who they are but using Google you can find out. Now, some may argue that Coldplay isn’t a “cool” band; they’re clean guys, don’t rock heavily, don’t party absurdly amounts, don’t shoot up like true “rock stars” do, but I can tell you this: Shut the fuck up, they play tight with massive bass and driving drums. I mean it’s not like they’re gay or anything; they are married guys, and one of ‘em famously married. Lighten up on the guys, it’s not like they hit the tanning beds. And we all know what that leads to…right?

One day you're a tanning bed guy and the next...well you're a guy that likes furry balls on his chin.

OK, last ride report of this long-ass-winded post:
In certain circles I’ve been known to talk shit about how the trails in our sister city (Oklahoma City) suck compared to our most excellent blood covered trails. You see the most technical aspect of their trails (NuDraper) is the gravel parking lot. I’d ridden them four times before and each time I promised myself I’d never go back. Well the day after the Coldplay concert I had to be back in OKC for a meeting the next morning so I loaded up the SS and took it with me thinking that Draper would be better on this rig; and boy was I right. I think in the past I was just way over-biked for those trails. I made a complete lap of yellow, green, and red trails with the SS fork set at 115mm and dug it. I then set the fork at 100mm and did another complete loop and just freakin’ loved it. With the bike set like this you could really get the flow going on the swoopy singletrack and really stuff the bike into the corners. After the two laps I was pretty much toast; I’d forgotten my CamelBak that morning and only had a bottle of Gatorade to sip on to get me thru the ride which I polished off after the second lap. I loaded the bike and car up, started the car, made about 20 minutes of business calls and one call to Progressive Suspension about my Heckler shock, all the while watching more and more people hit the trails. Well hell, I got the itch again, and without fluids went for another spin on the yellow loop. About 10 minutes into it I could see a rider ahead of me so I set out to catch his geared ass on my one gear with my fat ass. All the time thinking thoughts like this:

I was slowly reeling him in and was getting to the point that I could taste the kill when all of a sudden a stealthy rider was on my ass! Well it was really on, I gave it all I had left in the tank for about two miles; I couldn’t shake the rider on my ass and couldn’t quite get the guy in front of me, so with my increasing desire to puke I pulled over, settled down, rode easily back to the lot swearing and knowing that the SS and me will frequent this trail often on my travels to OKC.

Lastly, since bikes have replaced porn I will from time to time post pic's of some of my favorite models around; pretty much based all on aesthetics: